Hell... I'm so lonely.
I feel like I've been waiting for everyone all day. All of them have totally acceptable reasons _not_ to talk to me. I'm just... lonesome.
I guess to some degree, its just that Saturdays are sacred now- my measure of happiness. Nine weeks today. I feel a small sense of accomplishment, that I haven't just given up, or I suppose, that I haven't driven her off yet.
Ugh. I hate this song. "Chicken Fried". What the hell does that mean. Is it like "Chicken, Fried"? Or is it supposed to indicate "Chicken-Fried Steak"? "Chicken-Fried Fries"? I want to know! 'Cause apparently its one of the reasons to support a war. AH! It annoys me. It worms into my head, and lingers, burning into my thoughts. >.<>.<>.<
*curls up* I miss my Zara-sama. I miss my Rebexika. I miss my Master-boy. *cries*
I know its illogical, but I feel lost, hopeless and abandoned right now. Silly, right?
I'm gonna go shower now.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Monday, January 5, 2009
Day One
Today was bad.
No.
Today was horrible.
I feel so empty... but I have to stay happy, have to stay safe, have to be good for Rebekah.
I'm as tired as I am after I've finished a show.
I don't want to do my schoolwork, don't want to argue my lifestyle choices with stupid boys who break hearts, don't want anything but sleep, sleep, endless peaceful sleep. Perhaps some cuddling in the future.
I feel as though I've acted the entire day out today, not truly happy, but very well pretended.
No self injury.
No bad things.
So far, I've had 26 out of a minimum of 28 points today, so I'll probably have some chocolate before I sleep. I wonder how long I can pretend to be okay, how long it will take before I can make myself okay.
I just want to breathe sweet air, hold my favorite people close and just be.
Be with the ones I love.
I feel as though I'm drowning in this stupid emptiness.
I miss the happiness that comes from being around Rebekah.
To be honest, I feel as though I've traded sorrow for joy in having a girl such as Z around. She's taken the time that I used to give Rebekah, and she makes me happy, but in a new way.
Often as not, she hurts me, and I don't know how long I can take her hurting me. I like her. I like her an awful lot. But she doesn't understand that I need more than thirty minutes a day. Thirty minutes. I get as long as an anime episode. Ha! I'm just a distraction to her. A toy she can fling to the wind and lose if she wants. She. Drives. Me. Insane.
But now that Rebekah's left me... I can't let her go too. I can't lose my last girl. Lawrence... Lawrence is a good guy. He'll never be Rebekah. And after so long, so much time spent loving Rebekah, to have to give her up is nearly deadly. But I mean, I have to. I have to back away from her, and stop being as honest as I am. Spread the act of happiness I've been putting on with everyone else and push her into it as well, because I can no longer trust her. I almost wish I had never allowed her in, never let her into my mind, because then I wouldn't have to push her out now. Its too dangerous to me to let her stay. She could freak out at any moment. Decide in a moment that I am not safe, even as I am. I am always safe. I couldn't hurt her by killing myself, she knows that too well. I couldn't cut without my parents knowing. And so, I am safe from myself, because I couldn't face those consequences. I find it hard enough to face a world without Rebekah in it, a world that I am certain will come about soon, because she will push me out of her life.
No.
Today was horrible.
I feel so empty... but I have to stay happy, have to stay safe, have to be good for Rebekah.
I'm as tired as I am after I've finished a show.
I don't want to do my schoolwork, don't want to argue my lifestyle choices with stupid boys who break hearts, don't want anything but sleep, sleep, endless peaceful sleep. Perhaps some cuddling in the future.
I feel as though I've acted the entire day out today, not truly happy, but very well pretended.
No self injury.
No bad things.
So far, I've had 26 out of a minimum of 28 points today, so I'll probably have some chocolate before I sleep. I wonder how long I can pretend to be okay, how long it will take before I can make myself okay.
I just want to breathe sweet air, hold my favorite people close and just be.
Be with the ones I love.
I feel as though I'm drowning in this stupid emptiness.
I miss the happiness that comes from being around Rebekah.
To be honest, I feel as though I've traded sorrow for joy in having a girl such as Z around. She's taken the time that I used to give Rebekah, and she makes me happy, but in a new way.
Often as not, she hurts me, and I don't know how long I can take her hurting me. I like her. I like her an awful lot. But she doesn't understand that I need more than thirty minutes a day. Thirty minutes. I get as long as an anime episode. Ha! I'm just a distraction to her. A toy she can fling to the wind and lose if she wants. She. Drives. Me. Insane.
But now that Rebekah's left me... I can't let her go too. I can't lose my last girl. Lawrence... Lawrence is a good guy. He'll never be Rebekah. And after so long, so much time spent loving Rebekah, to have to give her up is nearly deadly. But I mean, I have to. I have to back away from her, and stop being as honest as I am. Spread the act of happiness I've been putting on with everyone else and push her into it as well, because I can no longer trust her. I almost wish I had never allowed her in, never let her into my mind, because then I wouldn't have to push her out now. Its too dangerous to me to let her stay. She could freak out at any moment. Decide in a moment that I am not safe, even as I am. I am always safe. I couldn't hurt her by killing myself, she knows that too well. I couldn't cut without my parents knowing. And so, I am safe from myself, because I couldn't face those consequences. I find it hard enough to face a world without Rebekah in it, a world that I am certain will come about soon, because she will push me out of her life.
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