Fighting with my parents.

They always make me feel like crap, because I'm such a horrible daughter.
I can barely sit up for crying right now. How stupid, right?
I guess I'm just a general bitch, because nobody wants to be with me.

ride home(R.+M.=All That Remains)

So, we’re in the car on the way home from Tessa’s house, and although I don’t have net, I felt the need to write something, even if that something is just for me, and nobody else. Its altogether possible that nobody will ever read this, let alone care if they did.
How sad is that though?
I suppose, I could just forgo the formalities, as I am talking to myself. Je suis fini.
I feel empty, as though all joy has gone from my life. Isn’t that sad?
Like an empty world. I no longer write. I no longer sing. I no longer love. I have given it up. No more love. I am ruining my own love for the world, and my own love for life. C’est la fin de mon vivre. Je ne peux pas vivons. Silence in my mind.
Kiss From a Rose
There used to be a graying tower alone on the sand
You remain the light on the dark side of me.
The world remains the drug that’s the high and not the pill.
Did you know that when it snows,
My eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
BABY
I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the gray
Oooh, the more I get of you the stranger it feels.
And now that your rose is in bloom, your light hits the gloom of the day.
There is so much a man can tell you,
So much he can say,
You remain, my power, my pleasure, my pain.
BABY
To me you’re like a strong addiction that I can’t deny.
Did you know that when it snows,
My eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
BABY
I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the gray
Oooh, the more I get of you the stranger it feels.
And now that your rose is in bloom, your light hits the gloom of the day.
I’ve been kissed by a rose on the gray.
I’ve been kissed by a rose…
I’ve been kissed by a rose on the gray.
I’ve been kissed by a rose on the gray.
There is so much a man can tell you, so much he can say.
You remain my power, my pleasure, my pain.
To me you’re like a strong addiction that I can’t deny,
Did you know that when it snows,
My eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
BABY
I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the gray
The more I get of you the stranger it feels.
And now that your rose is in bloom, your light hits the gloom of the day.
‘Cuz I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the gray,
The more I get of you the stranger it feels.
And now that your rose is in bloom your light hits the gloom of the day.
Now that your rose is in bloom,
Now that your rose is in bloom your light hits the gloom of the day.
Yeah. That had nothing to do with anything. Except. I don’t know. I feel like I’ve lost everyone and everything. Is that bad? Can I disappear completely from the world? Because that would fix things, I think. I really just want someone to love me. Because nobody does right now. I miss feeling loved, because that is my obsession, my addiction, my vice. My truest vice. I feed upon other people’s emotions. Give me a girl who is hyper, and I shall become exhilarated, until she moves out of it once more. When she moves away from me, I become angry, and will do nearly anything to recapture that love. Usually, its too late. I read something once, from a book called “Pretty Things” by Sarra Manning, and it said something like:
She was just one of those dumpy girls that reckons she’s a lesbian because she hasn’t got anything any boy would be interested in anyway.
That’s always stuck in my head for some reason. Like… Is that the only reason I’m in this? Is that the only reason I pull this stuff? Do I pick the people I like because I don’t think I deserve the type of people I wish I could be with? Is that why I hang out with people who don’t actually like me?
This one last bullet you mentioned
Is my one last shot at redemption.
Cuz I know to live
You must give your life away…Perhaps that’s it? I probably have the whole song incorrect, but I see it meaning that the singer is looking for suicide, but needs someone to be the escape.
I’ve been housing all this doubt, and insecurity.
And I’ve been locked inside that house,
knowing that you hold the key.
And I’ve been dying to get out,
And that might be the death of me.
I’ve gotta get out of here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I’m begging you, I’m begging you,
I’M BEGGING YOU TO BE MY ESCAPE.

Loneliness

Hell... I'm so lonely.
I feel like I've been waiting for everyone all day. All of them have totally acceptable reasons _not_ to talk to me. I'm just... lonesome.
I guess to some degree, its just that Saturdays are sacred now- my measure of happiness. Nine weeks today. I feel a small sense of accomplishment, that I haven't just given up, or I suppose, that I haven't driven her off yet.
Ugh. I hate this song. "Chicken Fried". What the hell does that mean. Is it like "Chicken, Fried"? Or is it supposed to indicate "Chicken-Fried Steak"? "Chicken-Fried Fries"? I want to know! 'Cause apparently its one of the reasons to support a war. AH! It annoys me. It worms into my head, and lingers, burning into my thoughts. >.<>.<>.<
*curls up* I miss my Zara-sama. I miss my Rebexika. I miss my Master-boy. *cries*
I know its illogical, but I feel lost, hopeless and abandoned right now. Silly, right?
I'm gonna go shower now.

Day One

Today was bad.
No.
Today was horrible.
I feel so empty... but I have to stay happy, have to stay safe, have to be good for Rebekah.
I'm as tired as I am after I've finished a show.
I don't want to do my schoolwork, don't want to argue my lifestyle choices with stupid boys who break hearts, don't want anything but sleep, sleep, endless peaceful sleep. Perhaps some cuddling in the future.
I feel as though I've acted the entire day out today, not truly happy, but very well pretended.
No self injury.
No bad things.
So far, I've had 26 out of a minimum of 28 points today, so I'll probably have some chocolate before I sleep. I wonder how long I can pretend to be okay, how long it will take before I can make myself okay.
I just want to breathe sweet air, hold my favorite people close and just be.
Be with the ones I love.
I feel as though I'm drowning in this stupid emptiness.
I miss the happiness that comes from being around Rebekah.
To be honest, I feel as though I've traded sorrow for joy in having a girl such as Z around. She's taken the time that I used to give Rebekah, and she makes me happy, but in a new way.
Often as not, she hurts me, and I don't know how long I can take her hurting me. I like her. I like her an awful lot. But she doesn't understand that I need more than thirty minutes a day. Thirty minutes. I get as long as an anime episode. Ha! I'm just a distraction to her. A toy she can fling to the wind and lose if she wants. She. Drives. Me. Insane.
But now that Rebekah's left me... I can't let her go too. I can't lose my last girl. Lawrence... Lawrence is a good guy. He'll never be Rebekah. And after so long, so much time spent loving Rebekah, to have to give her up is nearly deadly. But I mean, I have to. I have to back away from her, and stop being as honest as I am. Spread the act of happiness I've been putting on with everyone else and push her into it as well, because I can no longer trust her. I almost wish I had never allowed her in, never let her into my mind, because then I wouldn't have to push her out now. Its too dangerous to me to let her stay. She could freak out at any moment. Decide in a moment that I am not safe, even as I am. I am always safe. I couldn't hurt her by killing myself, she knows that too well. I couldn't cut without my parents knowing. And so, I am safe from myself, because I couldn't face those consequences. I find it hard enough to face a world without Rebekah in it, a world that I am certain will come about soon, because she will push me out of her life.